I have always been someone who has been interested in art, emotions, psychology, the body, sex and human relationships. My fascination with people and the world around me is what powers my art and my life.
When I was much younger, it shocked me when I realised how judgemental people can be. I guess this is part of the reason I’ve never had many girl friends... at school the girls would tease each other and bully each other over the most ridiculous of things (I, of course, being a bit strange was one of the people that in earlier school life got bullied) but I think it most shook me when at about the age of fourteen I realised how judgemental were. Before you’re old enough to know better, you assume that others see the world the same way you do... and when I realised they didn’t it really shook me up. I became quite scared of people. It was only in later in life that I decided to stop being scared of this... and decided fuck it, if people were going to judge me, I didn’t want to know them.
For this reason I’ve decided to write a little bit more about myself here, something I used to tell only very close friends... but as I’ve grown I find myself telling people openly and thinking that if people were to judge, then I wouldn’t want them as my friend anyway. It explains a lot about who I am.
I’ve grown up in a very liberal, open minded family that I love, but one that has not been without its drama and it affects my life quite a lot still and my photography.
My sister left home when I was 15. She was, at this point (I can’t speak for how she is now) a transsexual schizophrenic. She got herself moved out by a company who pride themselves on helping teenagers in distressing situations. We were treated as the enemy. I was very close to her when I was younger (she was my brother) but as she grew older, it was so much harder to live with her. She’d have hallucinations, had to see countless counsellors and psychiatrists, went to support groups... but she gradually became unbearable to live with. She locked herself in her room, talked about suicide frequently, suffered depression, became a very different, quite often angry person, would smash things up in her room and blame everything wrong on my dad, quite often ending up in vicious attacks. We ended up with social services round our house, and with my dad attempting an overdose. Mental illness is something that seems to run in my family, with my Nan also suffering in earlier life, and my dad having been through depression, anger problems and drinking problems when I was younger. My sister is four years older than me and went to the same secondary school I did, but left before I started there. However because there’s not a huge age difference between us, people in my classes at school found out about her (although people often referred to her as ‘it’) and so people that weren’t my friends ended up knowing. I remember quite vividly still the most awful thing anyone has ever said to me... “If my kid turned out like that, I’d kill it.”
There is a lot more to the story that obviously without knowing exactly who my audience are, I won’t go into. Needless to say I have seen some very strange things, talked to my sister about conversations she remembers that never took place, heard about the most insane hallucinations she’d describe to me, supported both my parents and had to build them back up after my sister left our family home in turmoil, in the past fallen in love with one my best friends who overdosed too. We have no idea where my sister is now, and have only seen her once in the past seven years when she turned up on our door step one day, not in a good way... and then she disappeared again. Around this time ever year I try and make my mum happier and distract her from my sisters’ birthday but inevitably my family home becomes a sad place to be for a week or so.
I think growing up in this atmosphere and with very liberal parents is what has made me such an open minded person today, and is what has made me want to help people. This year I discovered I am more open minded than I even realised myself. I am a Photography Graduate now, but in September I will be starting a Psychology Diploma. Photography and Psychology have always been my biggest passions, and I quite often mix them. It occurred to me half way through my degree that even though I adore my photography, it is a very selfish thing for me. I use it as a form of therapy and to get my creativity out of my veins and down onto something real; but I only ever do it for myself.
This all ties in with my photography because I still explore this world with my camera. My photography is very honest to who I am because I’m a naturally honest person. I’d rather let people see me for who I am than hide behind something... and so my art is my thoughts in some of their purist forms, and myself laid bare. My third year work has been about breaking boundaries and opening up my mind. I have always been someone who didn’t believe in mistakes or regrets, I don’t regret... I learn.
I can’t explain this photograph. Sometimes I find my body fitting forms to fit my moods, I move like an animal. I explore.
