In the last few weeks I’ve come to realise that my dad has to be one of the most selfless people I’ve ever known. He is going through something so scary right now, something that has already been life-changing... and it just amazes me how strong he is and how hard he’s tried to be there for other people.
He is currently going through intense chemo and radiotherapy, and a few months ago had an operation that has changed his life forever. He will have another operation soon, which I know he is scared about. I am too. I had no idea he was so strong though and in a weird way it’s shaken me up a bit. I can’t really explain how... and for months on end it feels like my brain has been useless at forming words or imagery. I guess when something this big happens to your family, everything else pales in comparison or importance. I’ve struggled quite a bit, tried not to cry too much, tried to meet deadlines, try to stay organised so that I don’t fall apart. I want to stay strong for him. At the start of summer I had all this inspiration pumping through my veins, I even bought props for a concept I was planning to photograph, but none of it feels right now. After he was diagnosed, everything stopped. I don’t even know what I’m writing now to be honest. It’s like when your mind has been blank for months trying to cope, and suddenly you feel like saying something, but you’re not exactly sure what you want to say, or who to.
So I'll quote the first thing I found that has made me feel alive in a few months now.
“I don’t know where I end and the world begins. My best guess? Skin. It’s the only actual boundary between the body and the world, between a body and any other body. Crush, at its core, is about rupture. The desire to touch, the gesture of touching, becomes dangerous, damaging, after the hand, withheld for so long, finally makes an attempt at contact. Simultaneously, and without pity, the natural world and its physical laws restrict the human form and its capacities. All of us are trapped in our skins and drowning in gravity. Physics is unforgiving. Nature is predatory. We do not walk through a passive landscape.” - Richard Siken.
