I hold a force I can't contain.

I’ve found myself in a low place this past week. I think I've managed to pull myself out of the ditch somewhat.

I seem to have a habit of doing this... when I’m bored of my surroundings I tear things apart in my mind instead. I can’t stand the restlessness and the boredom of everyday life. It’s so mundane. I need something more to make me feel alive.


I don’t know why I feel so confined by this world. The word is an extraordinary place, filled with so much beauty. I want to explore it and travel and live and feel passionate and find myself in new situations... and love and fight and make love everywhere damn well possible. Yet more often than not I find myself uneasy and without these things I crave. I feel so... attached in the wrong ways. I feel confined by the house, confined by technology, restricted by my surroundings. I want to run into the open, sleep in the grass. I quite often prefer my dreams to reality; even the really fucked up ones... just because I get to feel somewhere different, I can escape the boundaries of this world. This is why I will never try drugs... I know I’d get addicted to the feeling of being somewhere else. I have this addictive indulgent personality, and as much as it’s my worst enemy in a lot of ways... I wouldn’t change it because it’s who I am. I just wish I was easier to please! I’ve been told so often that I’m mysterious... but really I wear my heart on my sleeve; it’s just that only people who know me well can tell.

I like making my natural instincts scream. I like being hungry. I like scratching. I like pulling. When I was drunk once I asked people to punch me, the bruise was incredible. I HOLD A FORCE I CAN’T CONTAIN.