What fascinates you about the extremes you have studied? Like why the breathing thing, why the bruises and blood thing?
Complex question Sir! Right so... I haven't so much studied these extremes, as much as I live them. It occurred to me while I was in the middle of writing my Dissertation on Secretary, and how in that film the character replaces her self harming with an S&M relationship, and I read a theory on it about how she's replicated the same extreme just in a different manner... and it occurred to me that I too live in these weird extremes! I find anything extreme so to speak makes me feel more alive and connected with the universe, and when I don't have extremes in my life (when my life is being mundane and routine) I feel incredibly low... I need something extreme to keep me excited and to make me feel happy. I couldn't exactly explain why, I guess it's been with me for life and I only this year labelled it by calling it extreme... but I've always been this way, always loved bruises, always loved breath play (which I discovered I was interested in before I even knew what asphyxiation was!) and always been fascinated with blood! I guess it's a masochistic thing largely, but it can also be sadistic in its nature too... but mainly it's about being open minded, open to new ideas and open to furthering yourself as a person by trying new things. I've realised I'm more open minded than I even thought I was, and by putting myself through these extremes I'm a happy and inspired person! It's almost like I need them to exist and that fascinates me just on its own... it's quite often a mystery even to myself :)
I’ll post this photo up which I’d previously been very nervous about posting anywhere on the internet, but using my body in my art (as I put in a previous post) is another boundary I am trying to overcome.
When I was very young, after I woke up or before I went to sleep I would quite often make myself a cocoon out of my duvet, trying to seal myself inside my duvet as much as I could so that I couldn’t really breathe very well, or was at least very hot inside. I was an incredibly imaginative kid and I’d imagine that I was in the process of being born. However I wasn’t being born from a womb, I’d imagine I was being born from a kind of weird white shell in a white lab where lots of others were being born at the same time as me. I’d very slowly start to escape from my “womb” opening my duvet up tiny bits at time, allowing a tiny bit of air in and making myself really gasp for the air. It’s odd because as a kid I wasn’t really thinking about the idea of asphyxiation and indeed I’d doubt at that age I even knew the word, but I was definitely experimenting with breath play and making myself deliberately have not as much oxygen as I needed and I liked doing this. I’d do it very slowly and gap by gap till I was fully “born” out of my duvet. It never really occurred to me when I was younger how odd this habit was and I hadn’t actually thought about it for years till I remembered it the other day.
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